Two Lovers (TV One, 11.30) Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow star in an acclaimed Brooklyn-set romantic drama about a bachelor torn between the family friend his parents wish he would marry and his beautiful but volatile new neighbour. "For a filmmaker who has made his reputation with such crime thrillers as Little Odessa and The Yards, James Gray reveals an unexpected gift for the mysteries of romance," the Wall Street Journal said while The Hollywood Reporter fell for the leads: "Phoenix plays the romantic lead with great intelligence and enormous charm, making his character's conflict utterly believable, and Paltrow positively glows as the radiant shiksa who dazzles him.” ✭✭✭✭

The Secret Lives of Dancers (TV3, 4.30, R) A new celebrity boss signals massive changes for the national dance company and recruits Black Swan star Sergio Terrado. ✭✭✭✭

TradeZone Gone Fishin’ (R)/Rheem Outdoors With Geoff (TV3, 5.00/5.30) ✭✭✭

Keeping Up With the Joneses (TV One, 7.00) Little Milton has his first day at school and Cristina is nervous about how he will mix after being the only child at Coolibah; Milton demonstrates the finer points of bull castration. ✭✭✭

Desperate Housewives (TV2, 10.20, R) Repeat of last year’s season finale on the eve of Monday’s season-eight premiere: the ladies welcome Susan back to Wisteria Lane with a progressive dinner party – which leads to a shocking murder. ✭✭

Winners & Losers (TV One, 10.30, R) The girls deal with the ramifications of the car accident. ✭✭

Sky Movies Greats Premiere: American Gangster (Sky 22, 8.30, 5.1) Who would have thought Serpico and Superfly would wind up best friends? Yet that’s what happened when the Big Apple’s most incorruptible cop, Richie Roberts (Russell Crowe), took on ‘70s Harlem drug boss Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington). Their bizarre relationship is just one amazing aspect of this dazzling, albeit disputed, true-life dramatisation of how a family-run empire that was coining $1 million a day from heroin was built on the back of the Vietnam war – and unravelled by an uncharacteristic flight of fancy and hubris on Lucas’ part. The Shadow Line’s Chiwetel Ejiofor co-stars. (2007) ✭✭✭✭

The Bruce Willis franchise opened modestly, facing the last quarter-hour of The Big Bang Theory, but climbed from 6.1% of 25-54 year-olds to peak at 10.8%.

It averaged 8.3% over two-and-half hours compared to Dead’s 8%.

With TV2’s target audience, 18-39 year-olds, Dead averaged 7.1% and Die Hard 7.3%.

But Dead dominated among 18-49s (8.2% vs 7.5%) and household shoppers (10.9% vs 10%).

The first Two and a Half Men episode with Ashton Kutcher was the most popular show of the night, averaging 18.9%-22.5% across the key demographics.

Newcomer 2 Broke Girls was almost as big a hit, averaging 18.8%-20.9% while the return of Big Bang rated 16%-18.4%.

The movie-length premiere of Dead roughly drew half the viewership of lead-in Big Bang.

TV One’s HD options, Winners & Losers and Harry’s Law, could muster only 6.5% and 4.7% respectively of the network’s target audience, 25-54s.

Saturday

The Secret Lives of Dancers (TV3, 4.30, R)

It will air from 7.30pm Wednesday (February 22) and, unusually for a local commission, will be broadcast in 5.1 audio.

The DVD of When a City Falls goes on sale the next day, with the filmmakers and distributors obviously hoping TV exposure, on the back of a solid theatrical run, will boost disc sales.

Reviews ranged from “at once a celebration of endurance and a lament of loss, it will still be being watched 50 years from now” (NZ Listener) to “a moving testament to the people of the munted city” (NZ Herald).

On Friday of the same week, at 9.30pm, TV2 will launch a dated HD dating show called Dating in the Dark Australia, which aired in 2009-2010.

“Like all reality TV, though, it’s at its best when the contestants are talented and interesting, so each episode can be a bit hit-and-miss depending on who they’ve got on that week,” The Age said.

“If Dating in the Dark is pretty bad, which it is, it still retains a sweetness and innocence that lets you hold on to a belief in humanity’s ultimate goodness.”

Also new in HD that week is Nigel Latta’s Politically Incorrect Guide to Grown-Ups, which will air 7pm Sundays on TV One.

The Vampire Diaries (TV2, 10.30)

Friends (TV2, 6.30, R) Joey buys Chandler a hideous bracelet and Monica and Rachel’s prom video reveals Monica’s former girth, Rachel’s former nose – and the way Ross has always felt about Rachel. ✭✭✭✭

Shortland Street (TV2, 7.00) Hunter’s forced to toe the line; Jasmine almost learns her lesson; Wendy’s prank has disastrous consequences. ✭✭✭

The Graham Norton Show (TV3, 8.45) With Kenneth Branagh, Scrubs’ Zach Braff and comedian Frank Skinner. ✭✭✭✭

Come Fly With Me (TV3, 9.45, 5.1, R, F) Peter and Judith get mixed up in the dark arts of voodoo while Tommy finally gets his interview to be a pilot. ✭✭

The Vampire Diaries (TV2, 10.30) Klaus contacts Chicago witch Gloria to help him find the reasons why his plan isn’t working as he expected. ✭✭✭

Human Target (TV2, 11.30) Chance is reunited with Harry when he is hired to protect the girlfriend of a rival security agency owner. ✭✭✭

Numb3rs (TV3, 12.10, 5.1) Big-ticket items are stolen from a shipping service, and a company employee who possesses savant-like abilities helps in the investigation. ✭✭

CSI: Miami (TV3, 1.05, 5.1, R, F) Season-eight finale: a serial killer taunts the CSIs by leaving them cryptic hints, and the longer it takes them to decode these puzzles, the higher the death toll rises. ✭✭

Bones (TV3, 8.30, 5.1) Season premiere: The team investigates the death of a woman with a history of amnesia, disappearances and head trauma whose corpse is found in a shallow grave. "Tonight's episode is a good start," Newsday said. "But wait till the baby comes ... What fans will obviously witness this season is a metamorphosis: Bones' brick-and-mortar edifice of logic begins to crumble, as the world of babies and equally needy fathers intrudes. It's a tricky balancing act for a show that depends on the reliability of those bricks and mortar." ✭✭✭

Friends (TV2, 6.30, R) Rachel and Monica compete for the affections of Jean-Claude Van Damme after meeting him on a movie set. Julia Roberts also guest stars. ✭✭✭✭

Shortland Street (TV2, 7.00) Daniel makes a plea for his future; Jasmine starts her own green scheme; Hunter dances with his demons. ✭✭✭

Lie to Me (TV3, 11.15, 5.1, R) The Lightman Group gets embroiled in the controversial case of a policeman who shot a potentially innocent teenager. ✭✭

Crash Course (TV2, 11.30) Season premiere: Greg Murphy is back behind the wheel and putting his driving skills on the line, with real-time tests and crazy stunts which show what really happens when your car gets out of control. ✭✭✭

Diplomatic Immunity (TV One, 11.45, R) Comedy about the misadventures at the consulate of The Most Royal Kingdom of Feausi. ✭✭✭

Mental (TV3, 12.10, 5.1) Jack treats a suicidal 16-year-old girl who has had a dark secret hidden from her since birth. ✭✭

Au Revoir Charlie, a four-episode tribute to star Charlie Sheen on the eve of tonight’s season-nine premiere, crushed the return of The Secret Lives of Dancers, Missing Pieces and NCIS.

It wasn’t until the two-hour compilation was over that TV3 regained some ratings traction with NCIS: Los Angeles.

Charlie averaged 16.3% of TV3’s target audience, 25-54 year-olds, and 17% of TV2’s, 18-39 year-olds.

Compare that to Dancers’ 4.3%/3.4% of these respective demographics, Pieces’ 5.9%/4.2%, and NCIS’ 4.9%/3.9%.

NCIS: LA opened with only 4.9% of 25-54s but closed with 6.8%, to average 6.2% over the hour; with 18-39s, it averaged 5%.

That was because Charlie’s SD lead-out, Alan Carr: Tooth Fairy Live, dropped more than 10 points in each demo.

The night was a huge defeat for TV3 in the first week of its new season.

Moreover, the network can expect a similar outcome tonight when its HD re-run of Die Hard 4 goes head-to-head with TV2’s HD marathon: the return of The Big Bang Theory and The Walking Dead off the back of All New Two and a Half Men and the premiere of 2 Broke Girls.

It averaged 10.1% of TV3’s target audience, 25-54 year-olds, versus 9.3% for TV One’s Criminal Minds and 7.3% for TV2’s SD movie, Sweet Home Alabama.

With TV2’s core viewership, 18-39 year-olds, the race was much tighter: Avatar averaged 8.6% and Alabama 8%.

Avatar also won the 18-49 contest but lost sharply to both Alabama and Criminal Minds in the household shoppers stakes.

Despite its blockbuster status, Avatar rated only marginally better for TV3 than last week’s re-run of The Transporter.

Clearly, the 3D sensation’s overexposure at the box office and on Blu-ray limited its 2D appeal on the small screen.

Earlier in the evening, TV One’s Piha Rescue and Rapid Response were up slightly on last week’s 25-54 ratings, with 8.3% and 8.8% respectively, while Person of Interest was down two-and-a-half points to just 5.3% of 25-54s, which suggests viewers are quickly losing interest in this gimmicky procedural.

On Sunday night, TV3’s HD premiere of Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs trampled TV2’s HD re-run of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in most demographics.

Only among HHS were the two neck-and-neck, with Ice Age averaging 8.8% and Potter 8.5%.

Viewership largely halved for TV3’s second HD movie of the night, a repeat of Epic Movie, while TV2’s Saturday HD movie, The Accidental Husband, was largely out-rated by TV One’s HSBC Sevens World rugby coverage, winning only with HHS.

The Sevens also took the wind out of Graham Norton’s Madonna show on Friday, with the chat king’s ratings dropping several points across the board, while Underbelly’s return on Wednesday, with the HD telemovie, Infiltration, barely out-gunned TV One’s Harry’s Law for 25-54 honours but not TV2’s Wilson Dixon: The NZ Tour, which was twice as popular.

Tuesday’s Night at the Museum 2 also was a flop for 3, averaging only 5.1% of 25-54s, 4.5% of 18-49s, 3.5% of 18-39s and 5.9% of HHS to finish third in its slot.

Die Hard 4.0 (TV3, 8.45, 5.1, R) Bruce Willis returns as John McClane, this time to thwart cyber-terrorists led by Justified’s Timothy Olyphant. One character’s description of the unstoppable hero is just as true of the movie: “There’s tough – and there’s stupid.” Cliff Curtis co-stars. (2007) ✭✭✭

Friends (TV2, 6.30, R) Ross visits Marcel, his monkey, in San Diego; Joey is stalked by a fan of his daytime drama. Chris Isaak and Brooke Shields guest star. ✭✭✭

Shortland Street (TV2, 7.00) Evan puts romance before friendship; Callum seizes a new challenge; Sarah fears Daniel has put his recovery at stake. ✭✭✭

Two and a Half Men (TV2, 7.30) Season premiere: Ashton Kutcher joins the cast as an Internet billionaire with a broken heart. ✭✭

2 Broke Girls (TV2, 8.00) Series premiere: Two waitresses in the same Brooklyn diner strike up an unlikely friendship. ✭✭✭

Winners & Losers (TV One, 8.30) The girls deal with the ramifications of the car accident. ✭✭

The Big Bang Theory (TV2, 8.30) Season premiere: Penny worries that she’s screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team. ✭✭✭✭

The Walking Dead (TV3, 9.00) Season premiere: On the highway out of Atlanta, Rick and his group are stopped by a threat unlike anything they have seen before and the group searches for someone who has gone missing. ✭✭✭✭

Harry’s Law (TV One, 9.30) Harry calls all hands on deck as the trial of the year officially begins; Adam preps Eric’s daughter for her pivotal testimony as Harry worries about Cassie’s impending cross-examination. ✭✭

Nikita (TV2, 10.30) Series return: If a US Senator agrees to help pass a bill that will continue to fund the Division, the agency will cover up the Senator’s secret affair — so Nikita attempts to expose the sex scandal. ✭✭

CSI (TV3, 12.00, 5.1, R, F) In the season 10-finale, the CSI’s lives are on the line as they close in on the elusive Dr Jekyll, and more than one member of the team may not live to see his capture. (Season 12 premieres 8.30 Monday.) ✭✭

Sky Movies Greats Premiere: Walking Tall (Sky 22, 8.30, 5.1) It’s impossible to imagine anyone involved with this doltish, thuggish slugfest walking tall afterwards. As an American critic quipped, it “exemplifies the dumbing down of stupidity.” Not so much a re-make as an “adaptation” of the 1973 action-thriller of the same name, it stars The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) as a returning Gulf war vet who uses a big stick to clean up his corrupted hometown. (2004) ✭

Seven 1080i shows will run back-to-back over five hours and from next week there will be eight.

Most form the network’s hugely popular comedy block, including new seasons of Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory.

They will be joined by newcomer 2 Broke Girls, which starts this week, and from next week, for the first time in HD, Happy Endings.

Bookending this block from 6.30pm will be the Friends-Shortland Street hour, and from 9.30pm, the dramas The Walking Dead and Nikita (which resumes from episode eight of season one).

But because season two has a movie-length premiere, this week’s Walking Dead will start half-an-hour earlier at 9pm.

Initially there was concern season two wouldn’t be as good as season one, because of the dumping of showrunner Frank Darabont.

But the New York Post reported: “You’ll be happy to know that at least as far as the first two episodes go, the show is better than ever — which would have seemed impossible.”

Agreed The Hollywood Reporter: “The Walking Dead hasn’t lost the most important ingredient in its strangely successful recipe: it’s thrilling.”

“The show seems somehow sleeker and better paced,” The Washington Post reckoned. “Characters may now be people first and archetypes second. This has the subtle but immediate effect of making The Walking Dead less predictable and more frightening.”

But People thought “a wiry, tired jitteriness has crept in” and while the Boston Globe called the zombie masses “a grim spectacle … the living people in The Walking Dead, those uninfected with the mysterious virus, they are far less compelling”.

Many fans were disappointed in the mid-season finale but by delaying season two until now, TV2 should be able to air it uninterrupted (it resumes next week in the US).

Meanwhile, Two and a Half Men has scarcely faltered since Ashton Kutcher replaced Charlie Sheen.

It was the third highest-rating show of the first half of the US fall season, suggesting the Chicago Sun-Times was correct in its appraisal: “After eight long seasons, the show might end up being better off with some new blood — of the non-tiger variety …

“[It] got off to a surprisingly good start, considering it took place in a funeral home. Penis and fart jokes are one thing — and the first episode made it clear the show intends to keep cranking those out. But death is a tougher sell, even before a studio audience full of fans.”

New stablemate 2 Broke Girls is the highest-rating new comedy of the US fall season, and should be an ideal match for Two and a Half Men.

“The well-written pilot has a couple of brazenly vulgar sight gags, but nothing that will shock Two and a Half Men fans,” Newsday said.

“This show goes for Broke with its snappy dialogue, occasionally crossing the taste barrier with its grotesque ethnic caricatures (the girls’ Asian boss in particular),” US TV Guide said. “But the girls have great chemistry.”

But the New York Times complained of “too many one-liners about semen stains and orgasms that aren’t clever, just pronounced very loudly to carry over the titters of a studio audience”.

And the New York Post said only stars Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs made Girls bearable. “With different casting, this show would be as flat as the pancakes they serve up in the Brooklyn diner where they work.”